I've never told any health practitioner about my opioid addictions because I am terrified that if I get hurt again, which happens a lot, that they won't prescribe me any.
I started taking cipralex about two weeks ago. My doctor told me that it would take four to six weeks to feel any effects, so I'm keeping it up, but right now is a pretty dark time. I would never actively kill myself but I legitimately don't care if I live or die. I manage to get myself showered sometimes, I don't miss work, but all of this is done in a haze of apathy peppered with extreme hate for almost everything. I'm talking if I see people having any kind of silly fun it throws me into a fit of rage. I hate babies. I could stab slow-walking window shoppers. Red lights make me insane. Few things make me happy.
There's a kind of comfort in being angry all the time. At least it's an emotion. When I'm feeling apathetic I'll sometimes muse about throwing myself into traffic and then relish in the fact that I legitimately don't give a shit about how my death would affect any of my loved ones. I haven't done my taxes in ten years because who cares. I recently bought a very expensive bike and it started making a squeaky noise that annoyed me so I just got off of it and left in on the street. I've been eating an average of one meal a day because I'm too lazy to cook or even think about food and again who cares. I date horrible, mentally unstable men.
This is no way to live. So this week I decided I'm going to start taking tiny steps to better myself. I WILL get my ass to the gym. Even if it's just once. Not because I want to lose weight but because I know what fucking miracles endorphins work. I will try to eat more, try to eat fruits and vegetables. I want to say that I'll call an accountant to see if I can start making moves on the taxes thing, but I dunno. Baby steps.
My progress or lack of it will be recorded here. I need to start taking responsibility for my shitty actions and I think this is a good way to go about doing that.
